Broken Inside
by xXBoulevard-of-Broken-DreamsXx
Summary: After a breaking Stella's heart three years ago can Mac win her back? or will they spend rest of their lives separate from each other? Contains Mac/Stella Stella/OC some bits of D/L and A/F. Chapter 10 Finally UP: !
1. March Madness

_**Disclaimer:**__** I don't own anything! Characters and CSI NY belong to Zuiker, and CBS. I own just the laptop and G1 phone.**_

_**A/N:**__This is one of the ideas I came up with during my vacation, and just kept swooshing it around. So let me know what you guys think___

It was a nice warm March morning in New York City and the brilliant weather added to Stella's already good mood. The curly haired detective walked into the CSI Crime Lab, on a mission to find Lindsay. She found the young detective doing paperwork in the office she shared with Danny, her head down on the table.

"Hey, Mrs. Messer, you up for some coffee?" Stella said, making Lindsay jump and look up from her white papers, with a relieved smile once she realized it wasn't Mac.

"Oh coffee, that sounds so tempting right now. I'm in, just let me grab my bag."

Lindsay took a closer look at Stella's face.

"Stell, you're glowing. What happened last night?!"

"Well, walk with me and you'll find out, Stella said with a smile on her face.

By the time the two women made it to the nearby Starbucks and had ordered some coffee, Lindsay was almost bursting with anticipation.

"So, what's with the glow?" Lindsay threw quickly at Greek woman, catching her off guard.

"Well, Brian and I had a date last night at this super nice restaurant on third..."

"Oh, the new one? Nice. I like his taste," Lindsay interrupted, cocking one eyebrow up, sensing there was more to the story.

"So as I was saying," Stella continued as if Lindsay hadn't spoken, but smiled to let her know she wasn't mad, "we went to the restaurant and he proposed."

Stella watched as her friend's jaw dropped in shock, before realization swept over her face and she squealed, reaching for Stella's left hand.

"You said yes! Oh my God look at this ring. I am so happy for you Stell!!!"

Still squealing, Lindsay jumped up and gave her a huge hug, making Stella laugh in return. When all the commotion settled down, Lindsay turned to Stella again.

"Did you guys decide on a date yet?"

"Not yet, but I want it to be in May. I love it when it's nice and warm in the city and all the trees are in bloom. It's always so beautiful," Stella answered with a dreamy look on her face, making Lindsay chuckle.

"So two months huh?" the brown eyed CSI asked.

They finished their coffee and left for the lab, walking slowly to make the most of the sunshine.

"Yes. I mean, there's no reason to wait, is there?"

"Sure, I mean you guys dated, for what, a year? Seems like a while to me."

"Thanks _Mom_, I've known him for ten years now, and he's a good guy," Stella said trying to defend herself.

"I know that Stell, and yeah, he's attractive, and nice and all that. But you've known Mac for the same amount of time and..." Lindsay trailed off, realizing that she had hit a nerve.

Stella frowned, her heart starting to break at the thought.

"Don't start, Linds. Mac was the one who broke it off, not me. Please let me enjoy this? Let me feel loved again."

"I know, I'm sorry, it just came out wrong. Stella, you're like a big sister to me and I don't want you to regret this," Lindsay smiled lightly.

"Don't worry, I won't. It's ok. So anyway, how's Lucy doing?" Stella asked changing the subject. She didn't feel like talking about her wedding or Mac anymore.

"She's very much Daddy's little girl. I feel jealous sometimes. But at least we're getting some sleep. That has to count for something. Oh, by the way can you do me a huge favor?" Lindsay asked, her eyes pleading.

"Sure, kiddo, anything."

"Well, Danny and I have our three month anniversary this Friday, so I was wondering if you'd be able to look after Lucy for us. If not I can ask Angell…" Lindsay asked pleadingly.

"Of course, anything to spend time with my niece," Stella said after she'd mentally checked that she had no plans for that night.

"You sure? I mean, I don't want to keep you away from your hubby-to-be."

Lindsay's words made Stella laugh lightly, the words giving her a slight thrill.

"No, its fine, Brian has to work that night and I don't want to be lonely. You guys have fun."

The green eyed woman smiled. She didn't mind looking after the baby; Lucy wasn't loud or hard to look after and Stella loved spending time with her surrogate niece so it was never a no.

"Thank you so much! I will owe you forever."

Lindsay hugged Stella, thankful that she had such a good friend. Seconds later Stella's iPhone went off, Lindsay's following not seconds later.

"DB," they both said after looking at their phones.

They hurried back to the lab and picked up their kits before getting into Stella's car and heading out into the city.

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When they got to the scene, they found Angell and Mac already processing the alley.

"Hey guys, what do we have?" Stella asked, approaching them.

"Alison Mayer, thirty-two year old Caucasian female, stabbed twice in the chest. Wallet left behind, so probably not a robbery. No witnesses and no sign of the murder weapon," Detective Angell said, gesturing to the victim on the floor before looking back towards Stella, eyes locked on her hand.

She rushed over and took Stella's hand the same way Lindsay had done, admiring the ring.

"Nice ring, Stella! Does this mean what I think it does? Did Brian propose?"

Mac's head jerked upwards as the words registered, his eyes drawn inexplicably to the ring decorating Stella's left hand. Stella blushed slightly but nodded, gazing down at the silver band on her fourth finger.

"Yes, he proposed last night and I said yes," Stella said smiling, looking back at her ring as Angell squealed with excitement next to her.

At the thought of Stella getting married, Mac felt his stomach becoming very sick, making him nauseous. He prayed inwardly that it was some kind of a joke, that he would hear a 'Just kidding' or an 'Oops wrong finger'. He looked at the green eyed CSI in front of him who was still looking at her silver ring, smiling slightly as her mind wandered. Then her head shot up and their eyes met, making all his worst nightmares come true. She was getting married. Stella Bonasera was getting married. To a man that was not him.

Trying to fight tears, Mac took his camera and looked back down at the body in front of him, proceeding to take photos from every angle. He had to take some of them more than once; the tears in his eyes had caused his aim to be slightly off. Lindsay and Angell exchanged concerned glances, but dutifully said nothing and got back to work.

Stella felt all her happiness flow away at the pain in Mac's eyes. The anguished look plagued her as she replayed the scene over and over in her head. Letting out a deep, heavy sigh, she started collecting trace from the victim, carefully avoiding Mac's gaze. The memory of the haunted look in his eyes made her pause briefly as she worked, but in her head, she just kept thinking, _"Sorry Mac, but you said it was a mistake. Not me." _She kept that mantra repeating through her head the entire time she worked. Logically, she knew that he had broken it off, so she had every right to move on and be happy. She _was_ happy. Yet her heart ached at the thought of Mac's pain, and with every breath she took, she felt that pain etch deeper into her heart.

_**A/N:**___So this is Chapter 1 (obviously) and there will be more if you guys think that I should continue? R n R plz


	2. Curses and Transfer Papers

_**DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything exept for Laptop and G1 phone, the CSJ NY Belongs to Zuiker and Lenkov.**_

_**A/N: Thank you for all that reviewed and wanted me to continue:) **_

_**This story doesn't take place during any season. So for all that been wondering about Jessica Angell, I KNOW SHE DIED in the show but since its a FANFIC then I can write about her too a little!!! (just had to get it out:)) Also I know some of my characters are a bit OOC, so don't pout please. **_

_**ENJOY:)**_

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Stella was in the break room mindlessly making some coffee when she saw Mac coming in. The moment he walked through the door, the tension in the room went from 0 to 10,000. Things between them weren't great, were strained at best, but this morning it was worse than usual.

"Congratulations on your engagement," Mac blurted out unthinkingly, swallowing hard as the implications of that statement hit him again.

"Thanks. Brian's a good guy, he loves me. And we're happy," Stella said forcing a smile. Even though she couldn't see it, she knew it wasn't even close to resembling genuine.

"Do you love him?" Mac looked into Stella's green eyes, seeing the clear answer but she threw him a glare.

"Mac, my personal life shouldn't concern you. You're always saying that you don't want to get involved with our lives outside the lab. But, for what it's worth, yes, I love him. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't." Stella said firmly.

"He knows what he wants, I guess." Mac couldn't keep the bitter, resentful tone out of his voice, and it didn't go unnoticed.

"Well at least he does, and doesn't regret it. So yeah, he gets what he wants. After the wedding we're moving to Jersey so you will see transfer papers from me in a couple of weeks." Stella retorted and left, heels clattering against the floor, leaving a heartbroken Mac standing in the middle of the break room.

"Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! Damnit!" Mac cursed under his breath, berating himself for not keeping quiet. He sighed deeply and turned to head to his office.

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A couple of weeks letter, Stella walked into Mac's office, silently handing him the white piece of paper that would permanently change her life. She tried to avoid him as much as she possibly could, and was very successful for the most part. She only ever saw him at the lab, and Mac seemed to go out of his way to avoid pairing them together on cases. When they had to work together, she tried to make it as easy as possible for both of them, not mentioning the wedding, and talking only when necessary.

"Here Mac, these are my transfer papers. I need you to sign them, so I can leave this place and complete the transfer process,"Mac scoffed, not even looking up from his desk.

"This place? That's what it is now? Huh, this is New York Crime Lab to you Detective Bonasera. And anyway, I can't sign this paper. Let me know when you get the results from the Johnson murder." The dismissal was clear, and it just enraged Stella all the more.

"What! why?!"

Aside from not wanting to, Mac mused silently. "Well you still have an unsolved case that you're working on. After your wedding, I'll sign the papers and you can go, but right now we are short on staff, so you need to stay!" Mac was almost yelling now, pain at her imminent departure making him lash out.

"You're unbelievable Mac! And here I thought you were my friend!"

"I'm Detective Taylor to you, and I clearly expla..." An angry Mac now tried to contain himself from yelling at the woman in front of him, but was quickly cut off by the furious detective.

"Bullshit Mac! You have plenty of people at your disposal and yet you won't sign my transfer papers because you're too damn stubborn and refuse to admit you messed up! I see a pattern here Mac...oh sorry Detective Taylor!" The Greek woman couldn't hold it in; she had to scream at him, he was crossing all the possible boundaries.

"What kind of pattern? " Mac shot back.

"Three years ago, you couldn't re-assign me to a different department, because I was needed, even though I was perfectly happy here! I didn't even have a choice in the matter! Seem familiar to you Taylor? I guess it makes you happy seeing me miserable? You break my heart and now you're trying to rub it in my face that you still control my decisions because you're my boss? Why do you hate seeing me happy?" Stella shook her head in frustration.

"I can write you up for insubordination Stella." Mac growled, trying not to admit the truth of her words to himself. It wasn't that he didn't want her to be happy; he just didn't want to be happy with someone who wasn't him.

"Go ahead! Maybe I will finally manage to get out of this place, seeing as you won't let me leave any other way and then maybe I won't have to see your sick face ever again!" Stella yelled back with an equal force, before throwing her hands into the air in frustration, throwing the transfer papers down on Mac's desk and stalking off, visibly fuming.

Mac cursed under his breath, running his hand over his face to calm himself down. He opened his eyes and glared at all the techs who'd been watching the scene unfold curiously.

"What the hell are you looking at? Get back to work!"He yelled, his face turning red and he slammed his fist down on his glass desk, sending Stella's transfer paper's flying, before collapsing into his chair.

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"Oh God, those two are driving me nuts" Lindsay shook her head, having observed the whole incident from the AV lab.

"Yeah, I'm glad we're past that Montana." Danny quickly gave her kiss on the cheek, making sure Mac wasn't looking. He didn't want to piss him off too. "We need to do something about them. They both hurting and they are too ignorant to notice. For CSI's, they don't half miss the obvious."

"Well if I confessed my love to you and you left me hanging I would have killed you." Lindsay said frowning.

"Oh boy, I didn't know I married a killer. What have you done with Lindsay?" Danny said playfully. Lindsay chuckled and hit Danny playfully on the arm in return. Danny pretended to be hurt, and held his 'injured' arm. Lindsay rolled her eyes.

"We need to think of something before they shoot each other or drive us all mad. I mean Mac has been a wreck since he found out about Stella, and now they've got this tension and seem to always be yelling at each other, which is causing her and Brian's relationship some problems as well. It doesn't help that Brian is too sweet to say anything." Lindsay sighed, looking back at the machine in front of her.

"Well, wish me luck; I gotta take some results to Mac. You think I'll survive?" Danny asked nervously, squirming in his seat.

"As long as you don't mention Stella, I will still have a husband. So don't mention Stella." Danny chuckled at Lindsay's words, and walked out of the lab, heading cautiously to Mac's office.

"Mac, we got a lead on the Johnson's case. The print came back to Max Lorenz, I got the address." He handed the file to Mac, shifting his weight onto his back leg nervously. Mac glanced at the file quickly, and stood.

"I'll get Bonasera, and head down there. I need you to work on that trace material from the suit jacket. I want this guy locked up." Mac said grabbing his coat.

The ride to the apartment was awkward, silent and the tension was almost visible in the air. If a fly flew by, it would probably get stuck.

Stella stared out of the window, and Mac looked at the road ahead of him, not really paying that much attention to the traffic. Once in a while Mac would sneak a look at the Greek woman next to him, wondering what she was thinking about.

"_Probably about Brian. Ugh I hate that guy. Yeah, smooth Mac, it was your fault that she's marrying him now."_ His traitorous mind answered his own thoughts, taking him slowly back to the night it all happened…

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A/N: Let me know what you think:) The more reviews the faster the update *hint* *hint*_**


	3. September Night

_**Hey guys, thank you to all that reviewed last two chapters. You made me super happy. I didn't think that this many people would like it. I know I promised you guys to update on Monday or Tuesday but I got food poisoning on Sunday and ended up at the hospital for 2 day, and outside it hit about 100F, so I feel so bad right now. I still feel a little weird (my stomach hates me big time right now) but I couldn't get you guys waiting for long. Enjoy, and don't hate me please.**_

_Mac and Stella were walking hand-in-hand through Central park. They'd eaten dinner at a fancy restaurant just around the corner but neither wanted to go home just yet: it wasn't that late and they weren't in the mood to cut their evening short, due to the nice warm September weather. They walked quietly along the empty paths, simply enjoying each other's company; the sun was just setting on the horizon, the sky a brilliant burnished orange mixed with yellow and flecks of gold, sending a bronze shadow over the trees and everything else that came in contact with the final rays of the day. _

_As they walked along, they exchanged small talk about the day, their cases and their evening. They didn't feel the need to force themselves to talk, it was just nice being around each other. After a long walk they decided to sit on a bench near the centre of the park, the view showing just how beautiful the sunset was, the sun's rays beaming against the tall glassy buildings and reflecting the light back at them and across the park._

_Stella moved closer to Mac, almost snuggling next to him, and she felt a strong hand wrap around her waist and pull her even closer. The curly haired woman smiled contentedly at her boyfriend, and carefully placed her head on his left shoulder, smile still present on her lips. Mac felt his heart skip a beat at how beautiful she looked in the sunset. Taking a deep breath, he took out a small blue box out of his pocket, making the woman next to him stir and look up at him with a confused expression on her face._

"_Sorry. I have something for you." The blue eyed detective handed the small blue box to the woman next to him, who gasped when she saw what he was holding, her green eyes growing very big, and her mouth dropping open in shock._

"_Mac, you didn't have to...oh my..." Stella stammered, trying to calm her crazy heartbeat, while her cold hands carefully took mysterious box from him. She carefully opened it, pinching the lid between her thumb and first finger, and saw a golden chain, at the end of which was a simple golden heart with diamond teardrop in the centre. Stella felt tears well up in her eyes._

"_Oh...I...thank you...it's beautiful..." She stammered, her voice trembling slightly, before turning and pulling Mac into a fierce hug. By the expression on his face, she could tell that he enjoyed the scene in front of him. Mac eventually pulled away and gently helped her to put the necklace on, sweeping her curly hair back off of her neck, before admiring the way the necklace looked against her skin._

_Stella was still smiling wide and a couple of happy tears fell from her shining green eyes. She pulled Mac into a passionate kiss and only when their lungs screamed for air did they pull apart._

"_Thank you Mac, I...I...love you." She whispered again his lips._

_Mac pulled away from her in shock, gasping at the words. His heart stopped then began to beat again furiously, his face becoming very pale and his eyes widening more than she thought possible. His expression scared Stella, who suddenly felt that maybe she shouldn't have said anything, even if what she said was true._

"_I...um...eh" Mac tried to say something, tried to form words, but they lodged in his throat, making it hard to breath. He felt a huge sense of relief when he felt his phone vibrating against his leg. He pulled it out too quickly, seeing the hurt flash across Stella's face, and looked away, focusing on the tree line now bathed in dusk light._

"_Taylor, yeah...ok....ok. On my way" He hung up his phone, carefully avoiding the gaze of the woman sitting next to him, who waited on tenterhooks for a reciprocated response or a rejection. Stella took one look at his face, and felt her heart sink. _

"_It was Chief; apparently we have a scene that is very important. Stella, I…" His voice faltered. "I can't get emotionally attached to you. You're my partner and a good friend and I…" Mac tried to explain._

_Stella shuddered and pulled herself away from Mac, sitting as far away as she could manage on the small park bench. Her heart ached painfully, feeling as if someone had stabbed her, and she looked away, breathing shallowly against the nausea that had rolled through her stomach. She heard him say he couldn't become emotionally attached to her and that she was his 'good' friend, and then she stopped listening. She didn't want to hear anything else, didn't want to hear how she was all wrong for him. Her pain made her lash out._

"_So this is it? That's all you have to say? What was the past year to you? A joke? Some sort of game? You're the last person I expected this from!" Her voice became progressively louder until she was almost yelling, the pain in her heart channeled into anger. Tears fell from her eyes and she blinked them away angrily, not wanting him to know how much he'd hurt her._

"_I have to go. I'm sorry" It was all that Mac could offer her, before he walked away without looking back, leaving her sobbing in the dark park quietly all by herself, hand partially outstretched as if to reach for him to come back. Once he was gone, her tears started to stream down her face, putting her hands to cover her red face, trying to sooth her pain as much as possible. _

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Stella was pulled out of her memories just as the car pulled up at their location. Even though that day was more than three years ago, the memories still caused her pain, an ache in her heart that she found hard to hide still haunted her deep down inside.

She felt the car stop, and focused on the gray five story building in front of her. With a deep, heavy sigh, she made sure her gun was at her side, tucked safely inside her holster, and slowly opened the door of the black Avalanche.

Mac heard Stella's heavy sigh and looked at her out of the corner of his eye. The expression on her face made him uneasy, and once again he mentally kicked himself for rejecting her 3 years ago. Turning his mind back to the matter at hand, he made sure he had easy access to his gun, and walked around to the entrance of the building, hearing quiet, reluctant footsteps behind him.

He led the way up to the apartment, gesturing to Stella that they in the right place. He knocked on the door of the apartment, the harsh sound echoing through the empty hallway.

"Max Lorenz, NYPD. Open up." Mac said.

They both waited impatiently for a response from the other side of the room, and when they didn't hear anyone approaching, Mac knocked again. Again, there was nothing. He reached for the door knob and the heavy brown door opened silently before the two surprised detectives.

Looking at each other quickly, willing forgetting their past together for a few minutes, they fell back into a familiar formation, before silently entering the apartment, senses alert for someone else's presence. Mac went in first, taking the first room on the left, and Stella went into the room on the right. Mac checked the room, making sure to clear the closet, and was about to yell that this room was clear when he heard Stella shout.

"NYPD! Freeze!"

What he heard next almost stopped his heart. No sooner than Stella had finished her sentence, he heard the unmistakable sound of a gunshot, followed by a yell.

"Bitch!"

Mac's blue eyes widened and fear took over, paralyzing him briefly before his cop instincts kicked in and realization of the situation sent his body into action.

"Stella!" Mac yelled, hurrying out of the room, making sure there was no one else around, and rushed into the room he'd last seen Stella in, heart pounding furiously. Inside he was pleading with anyone who would listen. _Please not her._

_**Don't hate me, plz, r'n'r plz, I will update sooner then. *hint* *hint***_


	4. The Good News and The Bad News

**_Chapter 4

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"Stella!" Mac yelled, kneeling over the lifeless body of his friend. He yanked his phone out of his jacket and frantically called dispatch, commanding an ambulance to arrive immediately. He hung up and turned back to Stella.

"Don't you dare die on me Stella! Don't you dare!" He pleaded desperately, hoping that she could still hear him. For Mac, it was as if time had stopped, leaving him and Stella's lifeless body in front of him as the only people in the world. Panicking and calming himself at the same time, he pressed his hand firmly against her wound, trying to stem the bleeding.

"Stella, please don't die on me. Not here, not now." His voice was half pleading, half ordering he looked down at her, trying to get her to wake up. Mac prayed inwardly that she'd ok, that her eyes would open and that she would smile at him once again. He felt someone behind him, pushing him out of the way, saying something frantically with lots of hand gestures, but Mac couldn't hear a word he said. Everything was mute, and he watched the whole scene with a bizarre sense of detachment.

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When the paramedics finally arrived and set Stella on a gurney, Mac refused to leave her side, clutching her hand tightly with his own, barely noticing the blood covering his fingers. Stella was the only reason he was alive today, and he wasn't going to leave her now, when she needed him.

The next few minutes, even the next few hours were a blur for him. He clearly remembered that Stella was rushed from the ambulance to the emergency room, only to be rushed straight into surgery, but after that, time ceased to mean much. For Mac, everything in the world had stopped; even his own body didn't feel attached to his soul anymore. He felt like he watched everything from the sidelines, there but not really participating in anything that was happening. The only thing that mattered to him was Stella, the images of her pale face, closed eyes and a visible bullet hole in her stomach making his heart clench painfully.

"Mac? Mac, can you hear me? Are you ok?" He looked up, startled from his thoughts, and came face to face with Lindsay, concern written all over her face. From the look on her face, it must have been the 3rd or 4th she'd called him, trying to get his attention.

"Yeah, sorry," Mac said quietly, running his hand over his face, before looking around and seeing the worried faces of all his CSI's examining him closely.

"How is she?" Danny asked tentatively.

"I…I don't know. She's still in surgery."

"Did anyone call Brian?" Flack asked, even more tentatively that Danny had. They all knew how much Mac hated Brian, simply because he was marrying Stella when Mac himself wasn't. Mac frowned at the name. He tried to think who Brian was, the name ringing a bell, and then it hit him.

Stella's 'fiancée'.

Mac felt his blood boil at the thought of Brian, hating him more now than he ever had before. _'Your fault Mac.'_ His mind told him again, and Mac couldn't deny it. Concentrating hard, with difficulty, he managed to turn his thoughts back to the conversation at hand.

"I don't know." He said, trying to remember the events of only a few hours ago. With a start, he realized that Brian was nowhere to be found, despite the fact Stella was still in critical condition. He felt a small sense of satisfaction at his absence, but also a deep sense of fury that he wasn't here when his fiancée was in surgery, fighting for her life. Flack nodded and pulled out his cell, wandering off down the other end of the hall to call Brian.

Mac stood up, and listlessly walked down the hall in the opposite direction to Flack, stretching his muscles almost absentmindedly as he went in search of coffee, leaving his team looking at each other in concern. Everyone felt like something had cracked between them, leaving them all broken inside.

"God, Mac seems lost." Lindsay said, shaking her head sadly, watching the broken man in front of her walk away.

"Yeah, it's like he's gone back to the...time when he lost Claire." Danny agreed, and the other members of the team nodded their agreement. "Man, I hope Stella pulls through. Not just for herself, but for Mac too.

"I got a hold of Brian..." Don suddenly reappeared at the edge of the group, his words making the rest of the team look at him, their expressions urging him to continue.

"He's in Jersey, getting his papers ready for the new job. He said he will be here when he's finished with that." Flack continued, his tone appalled. The rest of the group sighed in similar sentiments of disgust.

"Jerk." Lindsay scoffed. "His fiancée is fighting to survive, and he's more concerned about paperwork? Disgusting."Out of their earshot, at the other end of the corridor, Mac felt his phone vibrate. He answered it half-heartedly.

"Taylor. Yep. Good. I'll be right over." He clicked his cell phone off and walked back to the still angered group."Just got a call from Angell. They found Max Lorenz.""Let me guess. He claims he doesn't know anything and didn't do anything." Flack scoffed."Which is why we have to prove that he did. Danny, Hawkes, Lindsay. I need you to go and process the apartment. Adam is processing Lorenz's clothes and will be waiting at the lab for anything that that you find." When Mac was done with his assignments, the three CSI's nodded and left, Flack on their heels to supervise the scene.

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Mac walked into the CSI Building and went up the stairs to see Adam. On the way there, he walked by Stella's office and felt his heart ache. He felt like she would turn around in her chair, or walk past him and say something to make him smile, or turn his day around if he's sad. He felt a lump in his throat and tears started forming in his eyes."Mac?" He heard Adam call his name, and for the sake of the young man's nerves, he put on his poker face and followed the young tech in to the lab."Ok, so I got good news and bad news. The good news is that he was the one who stabbed Allison Mayer. His prints are all over the murder weapon, as well as his blood, and he has no alibi for the time of death." Adam stopped talking, looking at his emotionless boss."And the bad news?" Mac spoke impatiently, knowing by his tech's deep sigh and nervous sweat that he wouldn't like what he would hear."But, there are no evidence showing that he was the one who shot Stella. We don't have a weapon, or the bullet, so right now, the evidence is inconclusive." Adam finished his findings, and hoped that his boss wouldn't do anything stupid. When it came to his team, Mac wasn't known for keeping his cool. Especially in regards to Stella."Give me what you have. Also I need you to check for gunshot residue on his hands. Make sure you check his whole hand." Mac tried to suppress his frustration, taking the results from Adam's hands roughly and cursing under his breath as he left the lab, heading for the precinct.

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Mad and frustrated, Mac walked into the interrogation room, eyes falling on a smirking, medium height, brown haired, brown eyed man sitting in the metal chair. The mere sight of the ignorant man made his stomach turn. Mac knew it was him that shot Stella; now he just had to prove it. Hoping that he could keep a lid on his emotions, he walked into the dark room, glaring furiously at the man who'd put Stella in surgery. He didn't even give Lorenz a chance to talk.

"You better pray to God that the cop you shot today survives, or else you will never see the light of the day. I promise you that!" Mac kept glaring at the man, feeling his restraint weakening. He wanted to hurt him, make him pay for what he'd done, but he knew that he couldn't.

Stella had to be ok. She had to be.

Otherwise, his respect for the law wouldn't matter anymore.

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_**So, should I continue or just quit? R n R guys Thanks**_


	5. On The Edge

_**Hey guys, thank you for all that are sticking to the story and for those that reviewed you are making this story going, and also to the worlds greatest beta devil-may-care101 who just does an amazing job and encourages me with this story to keep going. So this chapter is little bit shorted then usual but next chapter will be much longer, well the more reviews the faster the updates.**_

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Mac heard a knock on the metal door and, without even glancing at the door, motioned for Adam to come in. He entered hesitantly, eyes flitting around the room nervously, and swallowed hard at the angry, glaring eyes of his boss. He carefully set his case down on the cold metal table and sorted out the equipment he needed, keeping his eyes on the table in front of him.

"What the hell is he doing?" Max asked as Adam approached him. With effort, Mac kept his face calm and blank, whilst Lorenz simply looked confused.

"He's testing you for gunshot residue"

Lorenz hesitated for a minute, eyes narrowed, but eventually showed his hands to the Adam, who wiped his hands with a white piece of paper, before spraying it. The whole procedure was conducted in silence; Adam was too nervous to make polite conversation, Mac too angry, and Lorenz too worried.

After a few agonizing moments, Adam watched the small piece of paper turn a deep, noticeable blue and silently held the paper up for Mac to see. Mac smirked in satisfaction.

"Thank you Adam" Relieved, Adam nodded and quickly packed away his materials, before hurriedly making himself scarce. The look of utter hatred on Mac's face had terrified him, and he knew Mac was seconds away from exploding with rage. Sure enough, before he'd taken five steps out of the door, he heard Mac shouting.

"Lorenz, where is the gun?" Mac yelled at the smirking, unconcerned man in front of him.

Mac was barely containing his anger and fought back the intense urge to hit the guy, hard. The urge to make him suffer the way he made Stella suffer.

"What gun?" Lorenz scoffed, and Mac almost lost it. At the last second, he restrained his temper, but his nerves were flayed, and he wasn't sure how much longer his restraint would last.

"The one you shot Detective Bonasera with. The blue color on this paper indicates that you recently fired a gun"

"Oh yeah I did. A friend, who has a friend, who has a friend, showed me a 9 mil that I fired at some soda cans yesterday. Perfect score" Lorenz said cockily. "Besides, it's not like your whole department was shot, so let it go. I'll bet the bitch deserved it" He laughed, a cold, evil laugh, and it pushed Mac over the edge.

Mac jumped from his seat and flew toward the ignorant man, almost sending the table flying. Within seconds, Mac had him pinned him against the wall, arm pressed viciously against his throat, cutting off Lorenz's air supply.

"You asshole, you think you have a right to take someone's life?" Mac's red face was glaring with anger, eyes glinting dangerously, whilst his brain was working out a way to hurt him some more.

Almost instantly, Mac heard the metal door swing open and he heard Don along with several other officers rushing toward the two men, pulling them apart. Mac fought the arm restraining him, and Don hurried over, forcing Mac out of the interrogation room.

"Mac, what the hell was going on in there?" Don asked in disbelief. He'd only ever known Mac to lose his temper two or three times before, so Flack knew that whatever had set him off was serious. Then again, it may have just been because it was Stella who'd be injured.

"I want him to pay for what he did!" Mac hissed furiously, hands clenched tightly together in frustration.

"Mac, what's wrong with you? We don't have a gun, and we don't have enough evidence to even show that he was there. You can't just beat the crap out of him because you don't like him. You know that better than I do" Don huffed at his friend, but deep down, he hated to criticize Mac. He himself had had to suppress the urge to make a couple of blows to the ignorant bastard's face, but knew that if he did, they'd never get Lorenz for shooting an officer.

"Right." Mac scowled and stomped off angrily towards the entrance of the precinct.

"Mac, where are you going?" Flack yelled after his partner.

"To find that gun," Mac said over the his shoulder, not slowing his pace. Almost instantly, he heard his partner's footsteps trail behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Mac and Don arrived at the crime scene, they went looking for the rest of the team.

"You guys find anything?" Flack asked Lindsay, who was in the hall taking pictures.

"Hawkes and Danny lifted some prints from the window, and the doorknob. Hopefully they belong to Lorenz. Also we searched the entire apartment and we didn't find any evidence that he kept a gun" Lindsay said apologetically. Making Don cursed under his breath.

"Any word on Stella?" Lindsay asked quietly, watching Mac walk away to find Danny and Hawkes. She sighed when her co-worker shook his head in response.

"How's Mac doing?" She asked in the same quiet voice, her brown eyes full of concern.

"Almost killed our suspect, but I'm keeping an eye on him. Did Danny or Sheldon look for gun outside?" Detective Flack asked.

Lindsay shook her head, turning back to photographing the scene. Flack left to find Mac, praying silently that Stella would pull through and that, in the meantime, they will find that gun.

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**_What will happen to Stella? Will she survive? Will Mac hold himself together? Let me know what you think, and if you like it or not. Thanks in advance guys._**


	6. Hanging By a Moment

After sending Lindsay back to the lab with the evidence, ready for Adam to process, Flack and Mac stood outside the front of the apartment, looking up at the broken window. Shattered glass was everywhere, the sun reflecting off of the pieces all over the ground, making the floor look like it sparkled.

"Don, you search that side of the building, and I'll search the other" Mac said, gesturing which side he wanted Flack to take.

Don nodded, watching Mac out of the corner of his eye as he wandered off. Mac's poker face was back on, the calm façade visible, but Flack could see the pain and fear in Mac's eyes. Mac was only ever vulnerable like this when members of his team were involved, and with Stella, he was even more vulnerable.

Keeping a straight face, Mac started looking around the building, eyes carefully analyzing every hiding place that Lorenz could have stashed his gun. Inside, his heart was worried sick for his friend and, dare he say it, love? Mac sighed; his memory was once again was flooded with the memory of Stella telling him how she felt, and the way he reacted to her confession. He cursed under his breath quietly, kicking himself for treating her so poorly the last couple of years, for rejecting her. _"I'm sorry"_ was all that his brain could let out before he heard Don calling his name. His heart picked up speed, hoping that Detective has good news for him.

"What do you have Don?" Mac asked, approaching his friend, and smiling when he saw the gun in his partner's hands.

"Son of a Bitch wasn't that smart after all" Flack smirked at Mac, holding black gun in the air, holding it carefully in a handkerchief so he didn't smudge any evidence. Mac exhaled in relief, smiling a little. A couple seconds later, his cell came to life in his pocket, and he hurried to answer it, praying it was news on Stella.

"Taylor"

Flack raised his eyebrows as Mac's facial expression became increasingly serious. He nodded a couple of times, saying nothing more than the occasional 'yes' or 'no', and Flack watched impatiently until Mac hung up and sighed.

"It was Sheldon. The doctor called…they managed to get bullet out from Stella's chest. She's in critical condition. They don't know if she'll pull through…We need to hope the bullet matches this gun" Mac said seriously, his expression not changing apart from the infinitesimal tightening of his eyes.

"How bad is it?" Don asked, swallowing hard, making the man in front of him frown.

"She lost a lot of blood; the bullet hit an artery. If she makes it through the night, then she'll have a much better chance of pulling through…" Those words were some of the hardest words the ex-Marine ever had to put together. They sliced though his already weak heart like a well sharpened knife through a loaf of very soft bread.

By the expression Flack gave him, it was clear that not only his heart was hurting at the turn of events. Getting a nod in response, Mac went into criminalist mode, taking photographs of the gun and the location, and bagging it. Soon they were in the car on the way to the crime lab hoping for good news.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Upon getting to the lab, the two men almost ran upstairs, finding Adam working in his lab on some fingerprints along with Lindsay and Danny.

"Adam, did you get the bullet that was taken from Stella?" Mac asked young lab tech, who swiftly rushed to the other table to grab the lab report,

"Yeah, it's a thirty eight caliber bullet and it had Lorenz's print on the cartridge. Looks like he was the one that shot…put Stella in the hospital." Adam stammered over his words, remembering how angry Mac had got when Lorenz brought Stella up in conversation. He hoped desperately that he wouldn't get yelled at by his boss.

When it came to Stella as a victim, it seemed that Mac could never be lenient to his suspects, or even sometimes with his co-workers. That's what amazed Adam so much about his boss. Everyone knew that he cared for his partner but never would admit his feelings to her or anyone else with words.

"Good. Danny, I need you to go to ballistics and test this gun as soon as possible" Danny nodded, and taking the gun off Mac, left immediately.

"Mac, I processed everything. So far the only person I can place at the scene is Max Lorenz. His prints are everywhere, and he had no solid alibi." Lindsay said, jumping in before Mac asked her his next question. She received a small smile in response, although it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Good, I will head to the hospital to check up on Stella. Call me as soon as you get anything on that gun." Mac said and left to be where his heart had been for the past hours - with Stella.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Mac finally got to the hospital, slowly making his way into the building. Surprisingly, the weather made it feel like it was middle of July; the night was very warm with a light breeze that would tickle his face occasionally. It reminded him of Stella once more. He felt sour taste in his mouth when he remembered the doctors said that Stella might not pull through, and he kicked himself for rejecting all that time ago.

Letting out a heavy, sad sigh, the tired Detective found himself sitting in the chair outside her room, not daring to go in. His mind pulled up the memory of when Don was in the explosion. Ironically, it was a similar hospital setting, and he still had a vivid memory of Stella, in her maroon jacket, coming in with two coffees. She gave him one of her famous 'don't worry' smiles and he could see the understanding in her eyes as he told her his story of when he was in Beirut. Her words were still ringing in his ears like she just said them: _"That's what we do; we take care of each other". _He pressed his lips together, realizing that only she could hold him together, that only she could stop him from falling.

He wanted her to come in through the doors and cheer him up with her radiant smile or comforting words, but the noise of the beeping heart monitors and the constant calls for doctors pulled him back into the harsh reality, a reality that stung his heart. Stella might not pull through.

Mac felt a small hand on his shoulder; he was so deep in his thought he didn't even notice the swinging door to his left open or hear the person next to him walk in.

"Sir, if you want to you can go into her room. There are chairs in there and there is a big chance that she can hear you. Sometimes it helps patients to pull through their hardest times when a loved one is next to them." The nurse said with a friendly smile and understanding eyes; Mac shivered, but smiled back, gathering his courage.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Minutes later, hesitantly and scared of what he might see, he had he went into Stella's room, slowly. He swallowed hard at what he saw; the incessant beeping of the machines clearer now, his heart shuddering, sinking, making his body go into shock, the harsh reality once again taking over his mind and tormented soul.

There she was. Lying deathly still, ghostly pale, with tubes in her nose, and many devises attached to her, helping her breath. Her curly hair lay fanned out on the pillow, and her eyes were shut, hiding her vibrant green eyes. She was too still for Mac to even pretend that she was simply sleeping instead of fighting for her life. In the bed, she looked smaller, more vulnerable, and it broke Mac's heart. At that moment, he would give anything and everything in his power to lay there instead of her, taking her pain on himself.

Hesitantly he took couple steps forward, finally settling in a chair next to her bedside. Letting out a deep sigh that sounded like he had been crying for many hours, he took her small hand into his big one, immediately feeling the chill of her cold skin against his. He lifted her hand to his mouth, kissing it gently, over and over again.

"Stella, I am so sorry about everything that I did to you, all the pain that I caused you" Mac whispered, feeling his voice break.

"Don't leave us Stella, don't leave me. Come back to me"

Swallowing hard, he held her hand against his face, letting all of his emotions out. He started to cry, hard, tears running down his cheeks as he pleaded with her to wake up, for her not to leave him. He felt desperate, helpless, shattered and broken. All he could do now was pray for Stella to wake up.

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_**Will she survive? Where is Brian? **_

_**Thank you so much for those of you who put me on their favorite list, and review every chapter. That means so much to me! I had a little road block due to some reader who was very mean about my story, so yea. But my beta has encouraged me to go on and no**_**_w I'm ok. _**

**_ATTENTION READERS THERE IS A BUTTON WITH GREEN LETTERS THAT WILL BRING YOU NEXT CHAPTER SOON!!! R'N'R!  
_**


	7. Wispers In The Night

**_Before Anything I want to thank everyone who has been following this story. _**

**_I know I promised quick post but I got distracted with work personal issues and my BDay was on Saturday. _**

**_I'M SO SO SO SO SORRY!!!! DON'T KILL ME PLZ!!!!_**

**_This is Chapter 7, and I'm done all the way to Chapter 11 so I will post as soon as possible._**

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Stella felt something warm tickling her face and she squirmed, opening her eyes and looking for the reason why her sleep had been interrupted. She looked around and realized that she wasn't in her apartment. Or anyone else's apartment that she recognized either. She saw unfamiliar, plain beige colored walls, distorted with multiple cracks, and loud beeping machines to her immediate left. She was lying in an uncomfortable bed with itchy sheets and lumpy pillows, with metal bars along the edges of the bed. Confused as to where she was, Stella tried sitting up, but felt a sharp pain in her chest that made her gasp for air and fall backwards heavily onto her pillow.

Whilst waiting for the pain in her chest to go away, she started to put pieces together in her head. Her foggy brain could register now that she was in a hospital room, and the pain in her chest just confirmed that she'd been the one injured. The reason why she was injured, she couldn't figure out yet.

She tried sitting up again, making sure she went slowly this time so as not to cause herself any further injury, and after a few minutes of struggle, she managed it. Her chest flared and she winced: it was like someone had stabbed her. Then it hit her: she'd been shot. Slowly but vividly her memory was coming back to her.

She remembered that she'd gone with Mac to see a suspect, and when they walked into apartment, they split up. She remembered walking into one of the rooms and being startled by a man trying to climb out of the window onto the escape ladder. She remembered shouting at him to freeze and that he turned around, waving a gun precariously in front of him. She remembered the sound of a gunshot, but then her world became dark. She dimly thought she'd heard Mac yelling, but all his words were muffled, and she couldn't understand what he was trying to say.

Suddenly panic took over her body. _Mac! Where was Mac? What happened to him? Had he been shot too? Was he hurt?_ No, he can't have been, otherwise she wouldn't have heard him trying to talk to her. Even if she couldn't understand what he was saying, she knew his voice anywhere. No, Mac was fine. He had to be.

Stella took a deep breath and tried hard to organize everything in her drowsy mind. Even when she was unconscious, she was partially aware of what was going on around her. She remembered hearing many apologies, and begging to pull through, and then a faint 'I love you'. It had sounded Mac's voice, but it couldn't be? Why would he say things like that when she knew he didn't feel that way? He wouldn't, so it couldn't have been him. It must have been Brian. Yes, Brian would have been the one saying those things. But it had sounded so much like Mac…But then again, that could have been the result of the medication. That made more sense. The medication had caused her to suffer hallucinations.

Not being able to determine what had really been going on, a confused Stella tried to get out of her bed. But once again, she was stopped by the excruciating pain in her chest and was forced to sit back down, head spinning and chest aching. She decided to wait a while before she tried to get up again; the pain just wasn't worth it. Besides, she'd probably do herself more damage and prevent a faster recovery. If she wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, she'd have to stay where she was.

Out of boredom - there wasn't anyone in the room to talk to and there was nothing else to occupy her mind - she started to go through what she remembered, trying to jog her memory and figure out what was real and what wasn't. _'I love you', 'I'm sorry', 'Please pull through', 'I love you'_. Was any of that real? Had it been Mac that said it, or was it Brian, or was everything just a hallucination? After a while her head started to hurt and she just scoffed in frustration.

She finally decided everything must have been a hallucination. She was positive that she'd heard Mac's voice, but since he'd never felt that way about her, she knew it could never have truly been him that said those things. It must just be her mind telling her what she, deep down, wanted to hear.

And somehow, that thought hurt more than the gunshot wound in her chest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The rest of the day was boring. When the doctors finally saw that she was awake, nurses flooded her room, asking her the same questions over and over again. _"Are you alright?", "Do you need anything?", "Would you like some pain medication?". _When they got the chance to take a break from work_, _her colleagues visited her, which made her feel better for a while, but soon, they all had to leave, promising that they would see her as soon as they could. And she was left alone again.

Her thoughts turned sad as she noted that Mac was the only one who'd not come to see her. Well not the only one, as Brian hadn't been in at all, but it was enough to convince her that she'd been right: everything she'd thought he'd said was just a hallucination, a trick of the mind.

Nurses came in and out every half hour, taking her vitals and giving her some pain killers. Yes, they worked on her chest pain, but they couldn't treat her broken heart.

After another dose, she felt her chest grow numb and despite the lumpy pillows and the uncomfortable bed, she felt comfortable. Her eyes became heavy, her exhaustion taking over, and she started to float to a place where all her fears were gone, and all her heartaches vanished from her broken soul. For once she was thankful for medication.

But just as she was about to fall asleep, she felt something on top of her hand, sending chills and goose bumps all over her body. Her eyes shot open. The medication was making it hard for her eyes to stay open, exhaustion still fighting to overcome her determination to stay awake, but what she saw in front of her made her gasp.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." A soft voice, almost whisper-like, almost made her jump out of bed and hug the man in front of her, but the memory of the harsh words that came out of his mouth three years ago crashed down on her and she sank back into her bed, her good mood drowning back into endless sorrow.

Mac understood that it was hard for her to speak, not because she'd been shot, but because of their personal relationship. Or, previous personal relationship.

Stella pulled her hand away from his, and he inwardly felt the immediate loss of her touch. But he couldn't blame her for pulling away. It was her turn. He'd broken her heart, and she had every right to send him away. He hoped she gave him just this chance to speak.

"I'm okay, was just dozing off a little. I'm glad you came." She mentally kicked herself for losing control of her words like that, and she blamed it on the medication. But she couldn't deny her words were true. She was glad he came.

"How are you feeling?" Mac asked, trying to hide the tension and the nervousness that was building in his heart right now; there are so many things he wanted to tell her, so many things he understood now and needed to tell her. But how could he tell her? Would she accept him? Would she forgive him? Or would she just kick him out?

Was he too late?

"I've had better days, but I'm alright. Did you get him?" Stella asked, trying to make small talk.

"Yep. We got him." Mac said, once again turning serious.

The corners of Stella's mouth curved upwards, giving Mac a small smile of thanks. Then the silence descended. The next few minutes were awkward because of the silence, tension, uncertainty between the two people.

Stella looked around the room, looking anywhere but at Mac, and Mac cleared his throat, trying to ease the tension. He was trying to collect himself together long enough so that he could say what he needed to say. When finally he got his nerves under control, he started talking, gaining the full attention of the woman in front of him.

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**_I'm so evil and its only my first day back ^~^ (evil laugh). You know how much I love reviews right?_**


	8. Back to The Beginning

**_Chapter 8_**

**_I wanted to say thank you for all who follow this story and my BETA Devil-May-Care101 without whom this wouldn't have been possible! You truly make my day:)_**

**_This is the next chapter as promised, I hope you enjoy it.  
_**

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"Listen Stell...I...I'm sor…"

"Stella, honey, are you ok? I'm so sorry about not coming earlier." Mac was interrupted by a tall, medium built man, with dark short hair, who'd burst through the door, sending it banging against the wall.

_'Great.'_ Mac huffed inside, leaning back in his chair as the man rushed to Stella's side, with flowers and some bag in his other hand, ignoring Mac completely. The man dropped the bag down on the chair and immediately reached for Stella, kissing her gently. The way he kissed her made Mac's blood boil.

"It's ok, you came. I'm glad you did. Better late than never." Stella said, with a big smile on her face that made her emerald eyes sparkle. She was truly glad to see him; when she was with Brian she felt loved and wanted. Stella felt a stray tear drop from her eye, making Brian smile and wipe it away, caressing her cheek softly.

"Oh, don't cry baby. I'm here." Brian whispered in her ear, planting kisses where her tear left a wet trail. Stella smiled at the open display of love and devotion that this man showed her.

Meanwhile, Mac looked at the scene in front of him, silently taking in the scene of two people who he knew were very happy in each others embrace.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, tears starting to fill his eyes, and he bit his lip in order not to show it. Mac offered a small sad smile at the woman in the hospital bed, whose attention was entirely focused on the man currently peppering her face with kisses, and quietly left the room, not disturbing their peace. Stella had made her decision and he - by his own stupidity - wasn't a part of it.

Looking over his shoulder as he left, Mac tried to make eye contact with Stella. Even if he could never say the words out loud, he hoped that she would be able to see his apology in his eyes. 'I won't get in your way. I want you to be happy. I'm sorry for breaking your heart and I love you...I love you'. The thoughts plagued him, but he hoped she could see that he meant them; they had always had an unspoken bond and could read each other well, so he hoped she knew.

Then he remembered the reality of the situation. It wasn't like that. Not anymore. Their bond was broken, and had been ever since she offered him her love and he threw it back in her face. The place in her heart that he could have once called his own had been given to someone else, given to Brian. She wasn't his anymore.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One Month later….

"So, do you think you can convince Taylor to sign your papers?" Brain leant against one of the fire engines, still dressed in his fire fighter uniform. Stella had gone over to see him before her shift started, her first shift since the shooting, and already the conversation had turned to their biggest stumbling block. Brian offered to walk Stella to the crime lab, and she agreed. They walked slowly down the street with their hands intertwined.

"Honey, I don't know. I hope so…he has no reason not to sign them but if he still refuses then I will go to Sinclair and ask him myself." Stella sighed inwardly at her fiancée's question but chose not to comment. She knew that he was just frustrated that the whole procedure was taking so long, but deep down she wondered whether he was just frustrated at Mac. Brain knew of her history with Mac, and naturally felt some resentment towards him, but Stella couldn't help but feel it was more than that.

"We have less than a month left before the wedding, and there are still a lot of things that we need to do. We can't do anything until the transfer goes through." Brain reminded her as they reached the crime lab, turning to face her on the sidewalk.

"I know, I know but Brian, it's my first day back and…let's just see how it goes. Ok?" Stella said kissing him on his lips. She hated having this conversation over and over again; it felt like Brian was pushing her for all the wrong reasons.

Brian nodded and his pager went off, so they parted with a passionate kiss and a promise to go out to dinner that night after they'd both finished their shifts. Stella walked into the building, turning to wave at Brian, who made sure she safely made it to the elevator before he left.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Stella got into the elevator and punched the number of the familiar floor. Knowing that the ride would be long, due to people that got off and on, she slumped her small frame against the metal, staring blankly at the doors in front of her. She was lost in her thoughts, thinking about how her life was turning out and thinking of a way to convince Mac to sign her papers without her having to resort to including Sinclair. When the 'ding' sounded, indicating that she'd reached her destination, she blinked rapidly and pulled herself out of her thoughts.

She walked out of the elevator and silently walked through the long white corridor of the lab, greeting the other staff and thanking the lab techs for their concern over her recovery. Memories of the last ten years flooded her brain, and she smiled wistfully, thinking about how much had changed.

Walking towards Mac's office to find out what she needed to work on, she saw the man she knew so well, that she considered her best friend talking heatedly to someone on the phone. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. She knocked on the glass door of his office, and when he glanced up and locked eyes with her before motioning her to enter, she felt a small flicker of nervousness pass through her body. She hadn't seen him since that day at the hospital, and she still didn't know what he'd wanted to tell her.

Mac got off the phone the minute he saw Stella. She was looking at him through the glass wall; her gaze was filled with a lot of hurt, but he didn't fail to notice a small smile that was curving her lips. When he motioned her in, his heart skipped a beat and butterflies filled his stomach. He stood up, trying to make an effort and welcome Stella back with a smile. It was all he could do.

"Good morning Stella. It's nice to have you back." He said in his trademark careful tone, and Stella blinked in surprise.

"Thanks, Mac. I'm glad to be back, so what do you want me to do?" She said, realizing that she wasn't quite ready to leave the New York Crime Lab behind just yet and making a note to talk about her transfer another time. Brain would never need to know.

Mac took a deep breath and stared at the floor, too worked up to meet Stella's questioning gaze. "Stella, I want to apologize to you about what happened…"

"Mac, don't…"

"Please let me finish." Stella nodded hesitantly, and Mac continued. "I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I respect your wish to be transferred, so I signed your transfer papers, and talked to your new boss in Jersey. You can take as much time as you need to move your things and get things sorted out for the move. In the meantime, you're not going to be assigned to any more cases so its mostly catching up on paperwork and helping out with the evidence that others bring in."

Stella blinked again, shocked that she'd not had to prod him into signing the papers, but at the same time felt disappointed that she would be leaving soon. She reminded herself that this was what she wanted, and she smiled shakily at Mac and nodded, before leaving the room to catch up on what she'd missed. Mac watched her go, feeling like someone had ripped his heart out_.

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_**A/N: R'n'R plz. I will update soon,**  
_


	9. Careful What You Wish For

**A/N:_ I am so sorry for not updating sooner! I won't do it again promise!!! Anyhow this Chapter 9 is long (trying to suck up here guys)....  
_**

**_ENJOY!!!  
_**

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_Jeremy Tarzinski suffered three gunshot wounds to his body, one in his right thigh and two to the chest. The shots to the chest caused the aorta to tear, which lead to exsanguinations within minutes. His left hand was…._

Stella stopped writing her report in the middle of her sentence. She couldn't concentrate – her thoughts were elsewhere and staring at page after page of neat black writing was beginning to irritate her. Her head was pounding and her heart was aching as the reality began to finally sink in. She would be leaving, truly leaving, the NYPD in less than a month.

Stella tapped her foot impatiently for several minutes, and then she threw her pen on the table and stood up heading for the break room, needing coffee before she could even contemplate finishing her report. Or at least, attempting to finish it. But before she could reach the break room, she heard a voice call her name.

Her heart sank, even as her logical mind knew she should be ecstatic. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath, waiting until she could force a smile before she turned around. Brian walked towards her, face lit up like a million different lights on a Christmas tree, which only made Stella's heart sink further. She couldn't move as he came closer, feeling as if she were stuck to the floor. Dimly, she realized that if she could move, she would want to run in a different direction. When he reached her, Brian pulled her into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head as he ran his fingers through her curls.

"Hi, honey! I missed you so, so much!" Brian said in his rough voice.

When she could do so without seeming rude, she pulled back from Brian, pasting the fake smile on her face again. To keep the smile in place required more effort than she'd realized.

"Hi, Brian. What brings you here?" She wondered if he noticed her voice was lifeless and flat.

"Well, I'm done with my shift already and was just checking to see how my baby's doing on her first day back." Apparently not, relief swayed over her as she realized that she put on a better front that she'd realized.

Stella's body went numb when Brian's words sank in, and she spun around to look at the clock, only to find that technically, she was almost done. In a strange, ironic twist of fate, she remembered the paperwork on her desk that she'd not yet finished and she exhaled in relief when she realized she had a reason to stay in the building for a little longer. And maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen and she would be able to get Mac out of her thoughts so that she could get on with her life with Brian.

"I'm doing great but I think I will need to pull a little overtime today." When she saw his face fall, she tried to explain herself.

"You know the first day back and all. Paperwork and reports have been stacking up for weeks and I need to get them all done before we leave..." She trailed off, not looking him in the eye.

Meanwhile, a little voice in the back of her head shouted: _You don't need to explain yourself to him! This is your job! He knows that, and he also knows what it's like to have to do overtime! Don't let him make you feel guilty!_

"Stella, I think you should come home. You don't want to rush yourself on the first day back and ruin your recovery. I don't think paper work will run away anywhere anytime soon." Brian said, eyes pleading.

"Brian I don't think…" Stella began, but stopped when a familiar voice cut her off.

"Stella, I think your fiancé is right, you should take the rest of the day off. It's your first day back, and besides since you'll... be leaving us soon, you won't be put on anymore cases unless absolutely necessary."

Mac's medium tenor voice filled her stomach with butterflies and her heart started beating in double time. She took deep breaths, fake smile slipping slightly as she tried to slow down her heart. It was beating so furiously that she would swear anyone could hear it.

"What? Does this mean….Stella?" A confused Brian looked at his fiancée and then at Mac, trying to get a hint that he was going in the right direction with his thoughts.

Stella tried to say something but nothing came out; a million questions flooded her restless brain. _What should I say? Should I be happy? Why…I'm leaving…I…Grrr!_

"I signed her transfer papers; as soon as she's ready she may go. You two have a nice day. I'll see you tomorrow Stella." With that Mac left, leaving Brian and Stella staring at one another.

Seconds later Stella felt arms around her and dimly, she registered Brian's happy voice saying something, but her brain couldn't organize anything he said. Even though her brain was on shutdown, she knew she was meant to be happy about this news, so she fixed her fake smile again and pretended. Pretended she was happy, pretended she was truly in love with Brian, pretended that she wasn't pining over Mac. She was so much happier pretending.

But as she recalled Mac's sad eyes, she felt her heart sink and she had to fight to keep up her pretences.

Taking a deep breath, Stella gathered all her things and walked outside into the rapidly cooling air. Brian talked all the way home, his happy voice barely registering. Stella tried to concentrate on his words, but it was like she were listening to a poor radio reception – she heard words and occasional phrases, but never full sentences. They were almost home by the time she realized he was talking about the wedding – who would be there, how happy his mother would be, how glad he was that Stella had done him to honor of agreeing to be his wife.

To her though, it wasn't so important any more. Instead of thoughts of the wedding ceremony, the honeymoon, her future life with Brian, her head was filled with thoughts of her job, her friends, Mac. Her whole life.

And she was leaving it all behind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next several days were just a blur for her. She lost her appetite and couldn't sleep; she avoided Mac as much as she could, not wanting to talk to him. Even when she managed to avoid him, his sad eyes haunted her. She found it difficult to be around Brian. His happy vibes upset her more than she liked to admit. The only things she could hope for were that it would get better at some point, that her heart would heal and not be plagued by thoughts of Mac, and that Brian wouldn't notice her odd behavior.

This night wasn't any different than any other night; when Brian came home from his late shift, she pretended she was sleeping. Brian would stroke her hair softly and whisper that he loved her, and would get into bed, curling his arms around her. She waited until he was deeply asleep, snoring lightly, before she unwrapped herself from his grasp, careful not to wake him. She left the bed and wandered into the living room, perching herself on the window seat and staring out of the open window. A light breeze swayed her hair, and tickled her face, causing her to smile lightly.

She looked outside into the quiet night, the bright lights of the city blurring together as she stared into space. Random thoughts floated through her mind, and she sighed, concentrating on the thoughts that kept her awake at night. She needed to figure out what she wanted once and for all.

'_Does Mac love me?'_

'_No, that can't be true. He told me he didn't. It's not true.'_

'_He never said that. He said he couldn't. And that might have changed since then!'_

"_Couldn't, doesn't. Is there really that much of a difference?'_

'_But the look in his eyes?'_

'_You need a break Stella. You're just making it all up. You're sleep deprived and confused. You're projecting your own feelings onto Mac.'_

'_But do I still love him?'_

"Stella?" A low sleepy voice called from behind her and she gasped, spinning around instinctively. She tried not to look too disappointed when she saw that it was Brian.

"Hey, why are you up?" Stella said, trying to act as if there were nothing wrong. As if she didn't sit at a window in the middle of the night, staring into space.

"I could ask you the same thing." Brian said taking few steps toward her, studying her face carefully.

Stella bit her lip.

"I….um…couldn't sleep…you know." She played with the hem of her shirt, hoping that he would just let it go.

Brian frowned.

"Hmmm, you've not slept properly in ages. And you've been doing this a lot. Is everything ok?" He stepped forwards so that now he was right in front of her, placing his big tan hand over Stella's olive toned cheek.

"What?"

He sighed.

"You've been at this window every single night since Mac signed your papers, I know it's hard letting go but…"

"But?"

Something inside told Stella that they were entering dangerous territory, and that she wouldn't like where the conversation was heading.

Brian exhaled heavily, looking towards the window then back again to Stella, as if he were trying to figure out what to say.

"Well, I know you're upset about leaving the lab, and leaving the city, and all your friends. And I get that, I really do. But I can't help but feel that there's something else, another reason that you're so hesitant to go. And... I think that reason is Mac. I think you still love him."

Stella's pulse picked up speed, and she felt like her heart would jump out of her chest, it was beating so fast. She opened her mouth, intending to deny it, but no words came out.

She heard Brian swallow hard.

"I see." The amount of pain in his words was unbearable, and he dropped his hand from her face, taking a few steps backwards and turning away from her.

"Brian…I…I…" But she couldn't form the words, couldn't deny what he'd accused her of.

"I don't believe this!" Brian turned on her, anger and betrayal visible in his eyes.

"After all he did? After how he hurt you? You still love him? I don't understand. I gave you everything he couldn't. I love you like he couldn't. And you still love him?"

Stella's eyes filled with tears, and she leant away from him as he paced the apartment furiously.

"I didn't know you were so pathetic." Brian spat at her, and she flinched as if he'd struck her, but once again no words could form in her mouth.

"You know what; I think we need a break. I can't be here right now. You need to figure out what you want. It's me or him. I'm going to stay at Sam's for tonight, and this weekend I'm going to Jersey to check up on some things."

He spun on his heel and headed for the door, hands clenched into fists at his side.

"No, it's not what you thi…" Stella followed him into the hallway, trying to undo what she's done. Brian stopped and turned slowly, his eyes full of revulsion as he glared at her.

"Until you can look me in the eye and say that you don't love him and that you'll leave with me by next week, I don't want to hear anything from you!"

Brain slammed the door behind him, the windows rattling with the force, and Stella collapsed against the wall, tears overflowing as she sobbed.

* * *

_**A/N: Guys please leave a review. All those people who never leave any comments please leave at least one. It makes me feel better knowing what you think...**_

_**For all that leave comments regularly I want to give a great thanks, you guys keep me going....Lots of Chocolates and bows to you guys, YOU R THE BEST!!!!  
**_


	10. Chapter 10

Stella wandered down the long, narrow cherry colored hallway; she was walking slowly, internally debating whether or not to follow through with her instincts that had kicked in after Brian stormed out. When she finally approached the oak colored door, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door, her stomach was flipping. She felt a little bit silly, so hoped that the occupant wasn't home.

Seconds later the door swung open, revealing a sleepy middle aged man, his dirty blond hair messy from sleep. His forest green shirt was untucked and crumpled, and even the sweatpants he was wearing looked creased. He blinked sleepily at her, running his fingers through his hair.

"Hey Stella." He said, squinting as his eyes tried to adjust to the bright artificial light of the hallway.

"Hey. I'm sorry if I woke you up Danny. Is Lindsay home?" Stella asked nervously, hoping that she hadn't woken Lindsay up too.

"Yeah she's home, she's feeding Lucy. She's got teeth coming…so she hasn't been so great during the night." Danny said suppressing his yawn, glancing over his shoulder as the cries from the bedroom became more prominent.

Stella suddenly felt guilt sweep over her; Lindsay already had enough on her plate with Lucy and work, and here Stella was asking for help on something that seemed almost trivial in comparison.

"Listen Danny, I think I should go. Sounds like you guys had a rough night" Stella said, not wanting to intrude when they already had more important things to consider. Danny shook his head, stepping back and waving Stella in.

"No, its ok Stella. Come in…"

"Danny…who's at the door?" Danny turned around to call out to his wife who was still in the bedroom.

"It's Stella. You need any help with Lucy babe? Stell, just make yourself comfortable, she'll be out soon." Danny said, still rubbing his eyes as he walked down the hallway, leaving Stella in the sitting room as he went to help Lindsay.

Still feeling guilty for disturbing the young couple, Stella glanced around the apartment, looking for a way to help them out. Although the Messer's were still adjusting to parenthood, the apartment was still looking fairly neat and tidy, with the exception of several toys scattered around the room.

Scanning the apartment, her gaze was caught by the back wall. It was covered with several photos and Stella went over to investigate. Of course, there were the photos of the couple's families; there was the photo of the team from the annual Christmas party the year before. There was even a photo of Aiden, and another of what appeared to be four teenage girls. Stella realised that these must be the friend's of Lindsay who'd been murdered all those years ago.

Smiling softly to herself, her eyes were drawn to the most recent photos. One of the smiling faces of Lindsay and Danny holding baby Lucy, looking so proud. Stella's gaze dropped a little lower to the black framed picture that she'd brought them as a wedding present. The photo in this frame was taken in the hospital the day Lucy entered this world. Danny and Lindsay were in the centre, Lindsay on the bed holding Lucy, and then the rest of the team were surrounding the happy family. They'd got the nurse to take the photo, and every team member had a copy.

Finally, her gaze travelled a little to the right, and the breath left her lungs in a whoosh. The photo was of her and Mac, taken a few years prior at some fancy party the Mayor had hosted in celebration of the CSI's achievements. Photo Stella was wearing a simple short black cocktail dress and strappy heels, whereas Mac was wearing a classic black suit, complete with a tie that was slightly wonky. They both looked really happy. It had been so much simpler back then, before everything has happened.

"Hey Stella. Sorry I made you wait so long, Lucy was being difficult." Lindsay came out of the bedroom, the cries having reduced to a barely audible hum. She was wearing a light pink shirt that looked slightly crumpled and gray slacks with a matching jacket, but she still looked ready to fight crime, as Flack had once commented. Stella was glad that the room was still dark as she took a second to compose herself.

"Hey kiddo. I'm sorry I barged in on you guys like this…"

"Don't worry about it. Lucy will be fine with Danny, she's still a daddy's little girl. Figures: I spend ages trying to get her to go back to sleep, but one hug from Danny and she's quiet. Anyway, what brings you here so early? Our shift doesn't start for ages yet." Lindsay said, cocking an eyebrow in intrigue as she took in Stella's nervous demeanor.

"Did you want to grab a coffee before our shift starts?" Lindsay nodded as comprehension dawned. Whenever either of them had a problem and just needed to talk about it, they would always grab a coffee and talk it out. This time was no different.

"Sure. Let me just say goodbye to Danny and Lucy."

They both left the apartment a couple of minutes later, heading to Stella's favourite coffee shop that was situated three blocks away, in easy walking distance to the lab. They made small talk all the way there and up until they bought their coffee and slid into a booth next to the window. Lindsay knew that something serious was bugging her friend, so she decided to just cut to the chase.

"Stell, I know you didn't ask me to grab a coffee to talk about the weather, and Danny and Lucy. What's bugging you? Is everything alright?" Lindsay allowed her concern to seep into her tone, and she stared expectantly at Stella, who took a deep breath and started talking, eyes still on the cup of coffee in front of her.

"On the day that I got shot…Mac and I argued…you remember that?" Lindsay nodded, stirring her coffee without taking her eyes off of Stella. "I asked him to sign my transfer papers to Jersey…"

"And he refused, which made you angry and then you started shouting at each other. I remember. I think the whole lab remembers." Stella cringed, embarrassed, but continued talking.

"Right, so yesterday when I walk into the lab, I started thinking about how I wasn't ready to leave it all behind just yet so I wasn't going to pester Mac about signing the papers. But when I walk into his office to ask him what I should do, he'd already signed the papers and handed them over to my new boss. Then he said that I can take as much time as I need moving my things. And he apologized to me, for…for what happened between us. And I just don't understand any of it. Like why he was so upset in the first place about the transfer, or why he's suddenly changed his mind. I just don't understand." She heard her voice break slightly in the middle of her rant, and she turned away so that Lindsay wouldn't be able to see the inexplicable tears in her eyes.

Lindsay blinked, stunned at how two of the NYPD's finest were so oblivious about their feelings. They were trained investigators for crying out loud! She squeezed Stella's arm comfortingly and pressed her lips in thought before speaking, trying to figure out a way how to say what's on her mind without causing Stella any unnecessary anguish.

"And then last night, I couldn't sleep, and Brian found me awake and we got into an argument. He accused me of still loving Mac, and I couldn't deny it, and he got angry and stormed out. He said he didn't want to hear from me again until I could look him in the eye and tell him I didn't love Mac. And that I had to be ready to move by the end of next week. And I don't know that I can do that." Stella sobbed, tears forming in her eyes. Lindsay grabbed her hand, and muttered something under her breath that sound distinctly like 'jackass'.

"Stella…I'm about to tell you something. It might hurt you, and it might be very hard for you to accept, but you are my friend and practically a sister to me so I feel that I need to say it anyway." She sighed and continued. "When I moved to New York and started working for the lab, there was something that became very fascinating to me. The way you guys are all so close to each other was strange, very different from my experience in Montana, yet what intrigued me the most was how close you and Mac were. Yes, you both were close to everyone, but there was something between the two of you that was different. The way you look at each other when you think no one is watching. The way that you're always there for Mac, regardless of the situation, and the way that he is always there for you."

"Linds, I'm there for everyone" Stella interrupted, protesting, but Lindsay shook her head, halting her arguments.

"No, not in the same way. If either of you have a problem, you always go to each other first. Always. When you were scared you had HIV, or when Reed was following you, or what happened with Frankie. Mac was the person you went to. When Claire died, or when Mac was struggling with the Clay Dobson murder, or when Aiden died, or when Flack was in that explosion, he came to you."

"But we were just friends then. Friends always help each other." Stella wished more than anything that they could just go back to the time when they were simply friends. When they didn't have any of these complications.

"No, not just friends. Friends go to a certain point, but you and Mac are beyond that point. Like when I was in Montana and Danny flew out to help me through the trial. You're all my friends, but Danny was the only one who bought a five-hundred dollar plane ticket, whilst almost dead on his feet from exhaustion I might, to come out and help me. That's how I knew we were more than friends. It's the same with you and Mac. If he had to, he would do the same thing for you. He would go beyond what is expected of a friend to help you out, and I know you would do the same for him." Stella tapped her fingers on the tabletop, trying to organise her thoughts.

"But if he has feelings for me why not just say so? Why hold it in? Why, when I said that I loved him, did he just leave me on a bench in the dark by myself?" Stella could just not reconcile the two things in her head.

"Stell, I'm not going to pretend that I understand the inner workings of a man's mind. Maybe he was scared, maybe he wasn't ready; there are a million maybes as to why he did what he did. But after all you two have been through together, are you really going to let that one incident hold you back?"

"He broke my heart Linds. It's not as simple as that."

"Danny cheated on me Stella. That broke my heart." Lindsay reminded her gently, avoiding the sting the memories still caused her. Stella immediately felt guilty as the brief look of pain crossed Lindsay face.

"Linds…"

Lindsay interrupted her. "Stella, I know what Mac did to you hurts, and I don't blame you. I know what it feels like to get your heart broken, even if our situation isn't exactly the same. But what if I had decided to move on from Danny after what happened. What if I decided that working things out with him wasn't worth it and I found someone else? Yes, I would have recovered from what he did and I might be able to convince myself I was happy, but I would always have the regret of not trying to work things out with him. I would always wonder if we could have worked it out or whether I'd have been happier if I'd tried. I can't help but wonder whether or not it will be the same for you and Mac. He broke your heart, you found someone else and you're going to get married. Life goes on. But then what? You have kids, get on each other's nerves, you fight, and then you wonder whether you'd have been happier going down another path. But it's too late to do anything about it. Would being happy for a short time be worth throwing away the opportunity to be happy for much longer just because of a few problems?"

Stella sat in stunned silence, absorbing Lindsay's harsh, but true, words. She was beginning to question what she wanted, what she felt, but she wasn't sure why until now. She stared mutely at Lindsay as she carried on talking.

"Stella, Mac regrets that he pushed you away. Everyone can see that. When he looks at you, his gaze is tormented. It's like he's dying inside every time Brian is mentioned. I know what will happen to him when you leave. He will be so heartbroken and yes he got through it when Claire died, but I don't know if he can go through it again and come out unscathed. You will become another Claire in his heart. Think about it Stella."

"But what about Brian?" Stella stuttered.

Lindsay sighed. "Brian…I won't lie to you Stella. From what you've told me about what he said last night, he's acting like a spoilt child. Okay, I understand that he would be hurt, but he's lashing out and behaving like a five year old that hasn't got their way. That's why he gave you an ultimatum. In my eyes, he doesn't deserve you. And the fact that you've come to me to talk about Mac instead of Brian's petty behavior shows me that you don't really care about Brian, or at least, not enough to want to stay with him. You're just too afraid to go for what you truly want and are settling for something less than what you deserve. Saying that, I am your friend, and will support any decision you make, but you have to be sure this is what you want. Make sure that Brian is exactly what you want, and what you will always want before you go through with this."

Lindsay stood, preparing to leave. She knew her friend needed some time to think, that she needed to process everything she'd been told. But Lindsay had one more thing to say, one last weapon to help Stella change her mind.

"I'll meet you at the lab. Oh, and Stell," Lindsay said, turning to her friend who looked up at her, eyes full of confusion and disbelief. "If it will make you feel any better, Mac was there for you when you got shot. He escorted you to the hospital, and almost killed your shooter in the interrogation room; he owes Flack for pulling him out of there in time. And during the most critical twenty four hours for you, he sat next to your bed all night talking to you, begging you to pull through. Brian was in Jersey, meeting with his boss and signing paperwork instead." Lindsay turned on her heel and left, leaving behind a shocked and confused Stella. Her only thought was _What do I do?_


End file.
